Chapter 1  - Posted 5/13/07
Chapter 2 - Posted 5/20/07
Chapter 3 - Posted 5/29/07
 Chapter 4 - Posted 6/3/07
 Chapter 5 - Posted 6/9/07
 Chapter 6 - Posted 6/17/07
 Chapter 7 - Posted 6/24/07
 Chapter 8 - Posted 7/1/07
 Chapter 9 - Posted 7/8/07
 Chapter 10 - Posted 7/15/07
 Chapter 11 - Posted 7/22/07
 Chapter 12 - Posted 7/29/07
 Chapter 13 - Posted 8/4/07
 Chapter 14 - Posted 8/12/07
 Chapter 15 - Posted 8/19/07
 Chapter 16 - Posted 9/9/07
 Chapter 17 - Posted 9/22/07
Chapter 18 - Posted 10/07/07
Chapter 19 - Posted 10/14/07
Chapter 20 - Posted 10/21/07

The Raptor  

Your Bridge To The Greatest Generation
The Dierdre Callahan Page Created 5/13/2007 Modified 10/21/2007

 

 

Sunday May 13th, 2007  

When The Raptor launched this website, one of the first orders of business was to find some of the iconic images that helped create The Raptor and post them so that the intrepid browser could experience what is Americana.

Dierdre C is an anthology that was originally posted in a Raptor Fav of the 70's & 80's, The National Lampoon.  The Lampoon was extremely popular with the college crowd back then and it's brand of humor could sometimes verge on sick.  Hence, here submitted for your approval is the complete series. 

In the spirit of the original, in which each chapter was published monthly, the 20 chapters will be published once per week.  This should piss every one off royally.

This anthology stands on it's own merits and The Raptor would like to apologize in advance to The National Lampoon and the series creator, Charles Rodrigues.  I have no doubt that somehow this infringes on some copyright and there is nothing I can do about it.

Chapter Notes
1 There isn't much happening in this piece.  The Raptor thinks that the cat in the crib bit is somewhat sick, especially since the cat looks like a pig.  In addition, Dierdre utters the statement "Hey, your fingers stink!" which is mildly funny.
2 The recap panel has the captions: Dierdre - Ugly! & Blind Bob - Blind! - That's funny.  The Raptor also enjoys the panel where Dierdre says "I wish you'd die, Blind Bob!" with the ultra cool clenched fist...That's hot!
3 Once the plastic surgeon opens Dierdre's bandages from the second surgery, he cries out "Holy Shit!" and the image is blocked out with the statement, "Too Hideous For Publication!"...Blind Bob then feels Dierdre's face and also cries out "Holy Shit!"...Dierdre then utters "Hey, your fingers stink!"...again.  Finally, the now dead plastic surgeon utters "Continued" which is funny.
4 Chapter 4 is interesting because it reintroduces Dierdre's mother, who decides to try and benefit from Dierdre's ugliness. During the telecast where Mrs. Callahan learns of Dierdre's ugliness, the newscaster states the Dierdre has "a sort of head" which is mildly funny.  The Raptor also likes the way the artist, Rodriguez draws the suicide of the arrogant cop and Blind Bob's gun shot wound to the head!  Good Stuff!
5 The Raptor likes it when Blind Bob returns to the dump and opens what appears to be an outhouse door to thank Dierdre...then has his eyes burned out...it's also funny when the doctor says..."when will people learn never to stare into an arc welder."
6 This is a Raptor fav.  First, when the masked men appear, Blind Bob is seen stammering "Who are - What do - When did - Where is - Why can't?" - which is funny.  Then Dierdre says " I hate you and I'm glad your blind!" Once the masked men take Dierdre to their apartment there is a pane in which one of the masked men says..."Here ya go Mrs. Guincho...cocked and ready to fire!"  The look of fear as Mrs. Guincho sees Dierdre's hideous face is priceless.  Finally, the acronym for the masked men's group is "OO-LA-LA" which is funny.
7 This week's chapter is yet another Raptor Fav.  First, the leader of OO-LA-LA, Ernesto, morphs from Major to Colonel to General to Field Marshall and his assistant, Raoul, morphs from Private to Corporal.  After OO-LA-LA gives their demands to the White House, an aide to he President calls back and says "Go Defecate!".  What makes this funny is that the artist inserts a footnote to defecate in which the word "shit" is written out.  Any time "shit" happens it's funny and this is no exception.  Dierdre once again says "Hey, your fingers stink!" which is funny.  When OO-LA-LA starts the microwave transmission of Dierdre's ugliness, it interrupts the network program to which a viewer yells "Hey, ya bastids! Put Gilligan's Island back on!"  This is really funny.  Finally, the narrator to this story says: :That's right...OO-LA-LA's evil plan is foiled thanks to Rodrigues, who writes this exciting story.:  This is funny.
8 In this chapter, Dierdre once again says..."Hay, your fingers stink!"  The CIA agent whose name is White is black and vice versa.  CIA agent Black apparently hates CIA agent White and through clenched teeth says..."accursed affirmative action".  Then Dierdre says "See what you've done Blind Bob!...I'm glad your blind so you can't watch TV ever...so long as you live!"  Finally, as the CIA agents are leaving with Dierdre, the KGB agents, Kornilov and Litvinov show up and put the block on White the black and Black the white.
9 This chapter is a another show stopper.  In the previous episode, the secret agent club was introduced including Black and White from the CIA and Kornilov and Litvinov from the KGB.  In this chapter, we meet Diggle and Hirt of MI6, Hohenzollern and Feldspar of East Germany, Crepeau and Moresby of Canadian Intelligence and Satiago and Vega of Cuba.  Then Diggle and Hirt are reintroduced which causes Dierdre to state: "You mixed up the whole story...I hate you, you dirty blind man!"  Dierdre also exhibits the classic three finger clenched fist, which is cool!
10 This chapter always gets a laugh...especially when I read it!...Its funny when Dierdre says.  "I'm glad your blind and I hope you trip and break both your"...to which the next team says "wrists" and it turns out to be Bruce and Dominic of the San Francisco Secret Police.  I laugh until I stop!
11 In frame one of this chapter, the CIA Director is smaller than his phone...this is kind of creepy.  When Dierdre asks for another chocolate thick shake, Dr Lev instructs Agent White to bring him one too.  He also calls him "boy".  Dr. Lev states that..."we don't call our darkies "Boy" any longer."  Anybody who knows the Raptor now knows where the term, "darkies" came form. Later on, it is stated that Dr. Lev's laboratory was made possible by a grant from Exxon.  Dr. Lev asks Dr. Alvarez to add 100cc of "starfish pee" to the serum.  Finally after Dr. Lev injects himself with the serum, he believes that Dierdre is beautiful and that Dr, Alvaez is ugly, so he shoots Dr. Alvarez while Dierdre asks for another chocolate thick shake.  
12 After a series of laughers and show stoppers, the story turns a little melancholy.  A mystery man asks a doctor for a prognosis to which the doctor replies "A week...etc...Four and a half weeks...etc..It's hard to say."  We find out the dying man is Dierdre's father.  In return for a weeks supply of chocolate thick shakes, the CIA and Dierdre agree to see him.  Upon seeing Dierdre's hideous face, the father dies a horrible agonizing death and his stool turns to stone, which Dr. LeBlang thinks will make a nice paper weight.  This is really funny...in a melancholy way!
13 Quentin Kelp places a newspaper ad which is seen by billionaire J. Pierpont Cassaba.  Kelp states that he will stare at Dierdre for one minute for $100.000.00.

Cassaba's attorney arranges for the meeting and promises " two super king size jumbo chocolate thick shakes"

As the meeting is about to commence Cassaba chuckles to himself because he knows the gun isn't loaded - this is getting interesting!
14 In this chapter, Quentin Kelp sees Dierdre's ugliness and states that "it's not possible that anything can be so hideous".  Grasping the handgun, Quentin tries to shoot himself in the head but to no avail since the gun isn't loaded.

Then, in a dream Quentin's wife pleads with him not to "soil" his underwear...this causes Quentin to crap his pants...which is really funny.  After that as the one minute ends, which means Quentin will get $100,000.00...his eyeballs fall out of his sockets which is hilarious.  

Finally, Quentin's wife advises the readers to make sure to get yearly eye exams...even if the doctor puts his hand on your knee..it doesn't get any better
15 In this chapter we are introduced to garbage truck driver, Guido Santangelo.  After Guido sees Dierdre at the Dump, he tells his wife about her ugliness.  Guido's wife becomes so despondent over the tale that she kills herself, even though she didn't directly see Dierdre.

Then, Guido leaves the house to get a nightcap and tells his tale to the bartender who also kills himself.

We are left to wonder if Guido is a "carrier" and why wasn't he affected by Dierdre's ugliness.
16 In this chapter, Guido denies having anything to do with his wife's death.  One of the arresting officers is apparently a creep since he is prepared to shoot Guido on sight and then fantasizes about the nice legs on the corpse.

The police try every conceivable tactic to get Guido to admit to the killing of his wife.  This includes another woman...money...religion...politics...chess...food...vacation plans...music...whatever the charge, Guido denies it.

Meanwhile, back at the dump, Blind Bob is telling Dierdre sick stories about the dump and the author is still wondering why Guido had no ill effects from seeing Dierdre's ugliness.
17 This chapter has always been a Raptor Fav.  

The cop in charge of the Guido Santangelo murder investigation is interviewing the county coroner.  The coroner...Dr. Gucci states that he was typing the autopsy when a couple of duodenums got caught in the keys and jammed it up....then the coroner spends considerable time grossing out the police captain with the procedures he used in Mrs. Santangelo's autopsy. This is all very sick but very funny.

The coroner has determined that the cause of death was asthma...the cop goes to tell Guido the good news only to find that Guido has hanged himself in his cell...Meanwhile Blind Bob is still regaling Dierdre with tales of exciting and disgusting moments from the dump.
18 In this chapter, Dierdre gets hit by a garbage truck at the dump and is taken to the hospital.  Blind Bob..who is blind...goes into what he thinks is Dierdre's room and feels here face which he thinks has been surgically repaired to make it soft as a baby's bottom...the doctor, laughing hysterically then reveals that Blind Bob was actually feeling Mrs. Winograd's hemorrhoids...This is extremely funny
19 In this chapter, Blind Bob creates a furory when Dr. Thyme laughs out loud over the hilarity of comparing Ruth Winograd's hemorrhoids to Deirdre's hideous face.  This prompts Mr. Winograd to sue Dr. Thyme for $500.00 for "defamation of private parts, derision of an anal area and slander."...This is mildly funny.

We also learn that Blind Bob's actual name us Blind Alfred Woodrow Wilson Bob.

During the court proceeding, the slime ball attorney, Vargas, introduces a picture of Mrs. Winograd's hemorrhoids which both the judge and defense attorney drool over.  Vargas also refers to the hemorrhoids as having "a certain voluptuous quality...not unlike a cluster of grapes in the August sun."  This is hilariously funny
20 In this chapter, slime ball lawyer Vargas asks the judge to feel Dierdre's face while it is under a cheesecloth mask...the verdict...it feels like an elephant's knee.  Attorney Vargas thinks it feels like an elephants ear...the defense attorney thinks it feels like an elephant's tail while the bailiff believes it feels like an elephant's belly.  

Finally, the judge asks Blind Bob to weigh in.  Blind Bob who has on occasion stated that these fingers don't lie...laughs hysterically and states for the record that he can't be fooled...he is feeling Mrs. Winograd's hemorrhoids!...End of story.

 
Summary Well, there it is boys and girls...the end...However, The Raptor, not being an analyst asks these questions.

First, why the introduction of the elephant?

Second, even though the story ends abruptly, is there perhaps more?  The Raptor has always wondered about this. 

The Raptor hopes you have enjoyed this trip down memory lane.